Dear Eric: My husband and I have been married 31 years. We each have two children of our own. They are all grown.
His boys have different mothers; I raised one and helped with the younger one. As soon as the younger one became an adult, the problems began. Around holidays he starts picking fights, stirring trouble, spreading rumors. Then refuses to show up for family events. This has been going on for years.
Now I have inherited some land from my father (who the youngest refused to associate with). My husband has made it clear he thinks I should split my inherited land equally between the four children. I disagree. I firmly believe that if you want to be treated like family you should act like family. My father didn’t deserve this boy’s scorn, why does this boy deserve my father’s land? Am I wrong?
– Land Division
Dear Land: As it’s your inheritance, it’s yours to do with as you please. So, it might be helpful for you to think about what you want to accomplish by passing it on to your children and, potentially, your husband’s sons. If the greater goal is to keep family peace, then, sure, split it equally. If, however, you want to use the land gift as a way to honor the relationship with your father and the relationships you have, then it makes sense to give according to the relationships. If the relationship with the one son is contentious, or even nonexistent, there’s no reason he should inherit anything.
Make your decision and stand by it. But also, you might ask your husband what he’s thinking. Ask him to explain his stance to you and find out what he’d want to accomplish with an equal split. What are his priorities and are there other ways for him to achieve what he’s trying to achieve? It may well be that he’s trying to fix things with his son, a noble desire but one for which inheritance is often ill-suited.
You two don’t need to debate or argue but communicating more clearly about the choice in front of you and its implications, can help the two of you avoid conflict.
Dear Eric: Over the last few years, my husband and I have noticed a trend when dining out with others.
Often, we have stated in advance that it is “our treat” and then we are surprised when more than half of the meal ordered by our friend or family member is boxed up to take home.
Last night took the cake when treating our dear couple friends to his birthday dinner at a very nice restaurant. His wife barely touched her entree before having it boxed to take home. This outing was planned three weeks in advance so she surely could have planned in advance to be hungry or have simply ordered what she was able to eat while with us.
I do acknowledge that many people have developed eating and hoarding habits that they may not realize borders on impoliteness when dining with others and then having their meal boxed (sometimes while others are still eating) instead of simply ordering what they can consume. Certainly, it does irk us more when we are picking up the tab!
How do we not feel insulted or is this a trend that we must learn to accept? We enjoy occasional dining and treating others as a form of kindness.
– Boxed in a Corner
Dear Boxed: Try to focus on the company, not the food. The objective of treating friends to a meal is to spend time with them, to talk, to connect. Yes, the meal is important – and plenty of people choose to socialize at restaurants for the express purpose of enjoying good food. But it sounds like you’re enjoying the hospitality of inviting friends out and showing them a good time.
I understand why others not finishing their meals might throw a wrench in your desired hospitality. But it’s not like they’re throwing the food away. They’ll get to enjoy it later, which, if you think about it, means that your hospitality extends far beyond the meal.
Reading between the lines, it seems that maybe you feel your friends are taking advantage of you. If this is the case, try to remember that everyone’s eating habits are different and they’re probably not thinking about you when they have their food boxed up. It’s unlikely that your friends are waiting for a dinner invitation in hopes of getting half a steak in Styrofoam to take home. Perhaps their appetites have shrunk due to changing bodies, or hormones or medication. Perhaps they’re on a different eating schedule. Perhaps they just want a treat for later. It’s all OK and none of it takes anything away from the kindness you’re extending.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com.
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